I am, after talking with a friend who had no chance - even though I loved him most and was most loved by him, which in a weird and twisted way was so surreal in itself and for whom I have the utmost love and respect for, finally realizing how much this negative relationship encompassed my whole adult life and every intimate relationship that I was ever in.
I think that the release of that state of being and thinking has allowed my personal growth over the past year. Even though July was only a few short months ago, I began realizing as I watched my love rip my heart out again and how shocked and very dismayed he was when I would not even talk to him or run back and take more bad love. Which even at this second I could do with a phone call, but really? Why would I want to subject myself to another's inability to receive or accept love? Breaking free of the chains that held me down - even during the 17 years that we had no contact is so freeing!
I am sad overall. When we fell in love it was magic and all of the things that occurred during the many years of our being together had a huge impact on so many levels of my life. I truly miss and will always love the only man that I have ever been married to. But in reality only one of us married the other for the right reasons and she should have known better! The saddest part is that he is the only man in my life that cannot and will not be my friend anymore. Of all my loves ....and he was my best friend!
I am thankful for the man who rescued me and gave me a fairy tale life in a Norman Rockwell town 17 years ago! The memories are some of my best and it was one of my happiest and most magical and realistic times of my life! Although we are no longer a couple and we both have moved on in our lives I am glad that we are friends. I am thankful for his conversation and his company and being the girl who loved him best!
These two people have had a huge impact on my life. One good, one bad, both unforgettable and a part of who I am. Many more people have been entering my life lately. I am not sure why but I hope that I can be a solution and not a problem and I am enjoying all aspects of my life - good and bad and thank you all for being there along the way!