In the past I have kept myself pretty sheltered and closed off in order to save myself from hurt. I purposely do not make plans because I hate the feeling of disappointment when they fall through. I have so many quirks it isn't funny!
I have been working consciously to live in the light and love and avoid negative interactions with other human beings and for the past 12 years have not spoken to my mother for just those reasons. I have also not spoken to my father for as many as 8 years when he lost his mind and totally trashed my family - and by my family I mean myself and my boys. They are my core and my center. This is totally a learned behavior as my family always found it normal to not talk to me for years when they disapproved of my husband for one, running away as a teenager and not allowing my stepbrother to take advantage of my kindness. My journey is to break the chains of learned behaviour and return myself to myself +!
I have given up a lot of myself to make other people happy over my 45+ years. The same people who told me to be an individual and march to the beat of my own drum were only saying words. I lost my voice because I was put down every time I opened my mouth, or talked over or just totally ignored. I chose - after my accident 12 years ago to make some healthy for me changes. Selfish though it may sound and look to outsiders who don't see or know the whole picture.
I refuse to ever lose my voice again for starters. I am a smart - uneducated woman who gave up intelligence for love and acceptance. Now I am not afraid to answer if I know the answer and ask if I do not. I am not shy - although I prefer to listen and sometimes speak very little when I am surrounded by people! Other times you can not get me to shut up!
I prefer this happier self over the closed off, sad and angry person whom I have been for too many years of my life. I love involving myself in positive activities, volunteering out of my home. I love having as many of my happy friends around for as long as they want to be around. I love the laughter and intimacy of 6 of my nearest and dearest around a table playing a board game or having my table filled with unexpected company and making a meal and hanging out.
An unexpected visit or a casual encounter with an acquaintance makes my day! The days when I run into 5 people on my way to an appointment or during a walk and talking and interacting makes my day! It feeds me, replenishes me.
On Sunday evening when I was walking home after volunteering for a great cause over the course of two days and meeting and greeting and the love and fellowship and community that I was involved in I was so full of such a warm and glowing feeling I thought that I would explode! I had to call each of my sons - oldest first - of course and specifically call them and tell them that I loved them - I hope that some of that love that I felt was felt by them!
I hope that you all get to feel it also! That is what I live for! If choosing to remove negative forces from my life is selfish then baby bring it on! I will accept that label gladly!