Wednesday, December 12, 2012


People confuse me.  The more that I interact with people the more I realize that I need to go back to school because I need an education on understanding  people.  I purposely avoided people for the past twenty years or more in place of being around people and getting hurt by them.

I am a nice person.  I think I am more likable and agreeable now that I am accepting myself and the world as is.  Now that I am not taking all of the blame, guilt and responsibility for those things that I do not own.  Don't get me wrong it does not come as naturally as one thinks to be positive, but letting go of hurt and anger and accepting things at face value does help.

I try to be genuine and open - some people might think I am too open, but they do not know all of the things that I keep to myself.  When I am confused by someones behavior or behavior which is out of character for the individual I usually first think that it is something which I am doing or not doing which is the problem.  Then I step back and observe with an open mind what is going on.

Upon doing so I usually find that the other person has found my usefulness to be unnecessary   It has happened countless times.  I don't hold that against the person.  I accept it and remove myself from the situation.  I have been known to tolerate unacceptable behavior towards me for too long in order not to upset the apple cart.  That leads to problems for me.  Then I am hurt and angry.

I am trying to have mature adult relationships with people and friends and accept people at face value.  That is until they show me both sides of their faces and then the third one.  It is difficult for me to communicate with people at times in an adult manner.  The old me would just tell them to fuck off and  walk away.  You know what they say about burning bridges.

I recently had an interaction with a person whom I have only known for about a year.  A very exciting and flamboyant woman with many exciting tales to tell and a lot of charisma.  We became friends and now I am confused.  I have stepped back, I have observed.  I have felt it isn't worth it to be this persons friend - old me behavior?  Possible.  We talked.  We communicated, we came to understand each other on a whole different level.  Mature.  Good.  No problem.

I sit and I listen to her woes and sorrows.  She has done the same for me.  Walk away?  Should have months ago.  Did Not!  Now I am wondering was that right?  I distanced myself.  Still available.  No interactions until she is sad or needs to vent or cry.  Yet being told I am not there for her.  I am really confused.

I am used to not being able to get a word in edgewise.  To be told today - can I finish what I am saying....I needed you when I needed you and you were not there  (I walk and my errands took too long) Selfish?  Hurt?  Who is right?  Who cares!  I do not want to be right. I am not trying to be right.  I am not arguing or keeping score.  Little girls keep score, women do not - I am a woman!

I know all to well what it feels like to be pushed aside, discarded (until you need me)  same old story.  I tried to make it not be so.  I tried to close my eyes and pretend I wasn't being discarded, left for "better" friends or whatever.  Trying as always to avoid negative interactions and confrontations at any cost.  But at what cost?  Reminding my sadly of my own dear sweet mother.

I live my own life.  I am not reliant on one person to make me complete.  On the contrary, I thrive on interactions with people.  I used to joke and say that I was an introverted extrovert.  I am/was -- I am a work in progress as you all know, I am happiest when I am surrounded by people in my home or interacting with large groups of people at events/shows when I volunteer or when I worked for a marketing company or running the Video Store.

I do well alone, but I do prefer the company of people.  A good day is a day when I walk out of my house and stop and talk to people I know personally or who live in my city.  One of the advantages of living in the same place most of your life is that you frequently run into a few people whom you know, it makes my day!

Interacting with people all over the world on the Internet, making friends very exciting!  Writing a blog with people reading it - amazing and inspiring!  (Thank you Richard, for inspiring me - another random new life experience).  Not feeling like an island or feeling like I have to be invisible - priceless.

Growing as a person has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  I have never felt more complete as a person as I have in the recent past.  I feel as though I am reaching a plateau in my life, after climbing that mountain all these years I feel like for once I can take a rest and enjoy the view, and what a magnificent view it is!

1 comment:

  1. as a woman you are much more useful and more beautiful than any island