Monday, December 24, 2012
PAST VS PRESENT
Lately, the stress has been kicking in and it is odd, because it is not current stress, but past stress, stress on me from others behavior in the past which is being repeated in the present which has been causing me to struggle on a daily basis - or when I think about it - which I try not to do. I am thankful I have been so busy to keep myself occupied from thinking too much!
I have to remember to laugh, and remember who I am. No one has ever given me anything in this world yet, that I can not handle. As a matter of fact, I have always worked hard to provide for myself since before I was sixteen, earning money doing various jobs until I got my first "real" job. I have handled enormously overwhelming situations, usually more than one trauma at a time - that seems to be my life motto!
In the past I fell into negative behavior patterns. Recently, I have caught myself thinking and responding like a little girl, very unsettling to me, as I am no longer a child. I can't help it. It beats holding it in and being destructive, angry, depressed. I did that for 40 years. It doesn't work for me any more. I guess that little girl can only hear the same repeat broken record message from the past - regarding the past - like that controls your present behavior? Nope - not rational!
One thing which I have very strong convictions about is about being a parent. Regardless of anything else in my life, my goal was to be the best, most responsible parent, since my own parents failed to be parents when their personal life was over. One due to having to work to support us, and the other because friends and drugs were more important.
There is no excuse not to be a parent to your children unless you are sick, harmful, or dead. To hear the words, I am sorry I failed you, as you continue to fail me, yet continue to keep me around for holidays and family occasions, mainly because you don't want to be around your brothers wife? - when I waited for years to see you even for a minute, or a half hour....; how would you feel even grown? Would you feel hurt like a child?
I am strong and adaptable. It was easier adapting to being ignored and neglected than it is to graciously accept a true compliment or gift. Survival mode and independence at an early age will do that do a person I guess. I get weak and then I beat myself up. I know I am good, strong, nice, caring and lovable. I have also been angry, mean, hurtful - lashing out like a child and not understanding - with the understanding comes confusion in adapting without the anger and hurt and confusion!
But I don't live in the past. I live in the present, the here and now. Although occasionally as a reminder, a trigger will spark a wave of confusion and chaos - that unless I am sufficiently grounded as I have been then it just gets absorbed without a blip on the radar. There are a couple of blips...as the holiday gets closer, I have to breath, relax, laugh.
I was not beaten by my life. I will smile. I will remember all of the beauty in my world which other people missed out on by being absent. I will be true to myself, and be adaptable. I will rise above yet again - this time with a smile and a prayer, hope and love.
My spirit was not broken in the past...it just ran for cover. Emerging yet again. Definitely not silent! I appreciate myself. I love myself finally after all of these years of self loathing. I am beginning to see myself more clearly. Not just my faults.