I seem to have misplaced my confidence recently. I am not sure where it went or why it picked this particular time in my life to take a vacation. I wish it brought me wherever it went! Not being one of the most confident and self assured person on the planet, having found confidence and recognizing its absence is a huge step on the bright side!
I am not sure if it is from all of the losses that have come to pass over the past six months, the realizations of my reality, or my general feeling of being stuck in quicksand and sinking slowly into the quagmire without someone on the sidelines with a stick to help pull me out.
I am hoping that it is a short vacation. I am not sure how much lower I can get, or how long I can endure its absence. It is really shitty to say the least! I remember all too well this feeling. It used to be my constant companion. Eating away at my very essence. Draining all the colour and light, turning me from a vibrant oil painting to a faded pencil drawing.
Fortunately for me, my toolbox is not as empty as it was long ago. I do have the tools and the ability to tread water, while I sort this out. Make changes, adapt to changes that have already been made, slap myself across the face a few times and snap out of it! I used to be a strong swimmer, and I hope I can tread water long enough for this to pass, because we all know that the only constant is change.
I know that there is no magic wand, and no one is going to wave it around and poof - everything will be all better. It is all within me. As it is within you as well, if you feel this way as well. I am thankful for the sun shining brightly today and the warmth expected to be generated from this great orb.
Thankful as well for the library and many books which will possibly help me to distract myself from the way I feel inside these days. Falling into other worlds, people, and situations which are not my own. The Blues will not get me out of this one, no matter how deep they go or how lovely they are.
I refuse to let uncertainty and fear win. I am determined, so all is not lost. I am so not in denial or sticking my head in the sand and hoping that it will just go away on its own. I will survive and overcome and with luck and purpose come out stronger, wiser and more confident. I have come too far not to come out on top!