Thursday, April 11, 2013


"Friend Contract"  sounds a bit silly and junior high schoolish to me,  to put it out there in relation to me and my life, most necessary.  In light of the fact that I am a person who has been taken in by people who don't have my best interest at heart, and me one to be so oblivious to the facts of the matter, unaware and trusting and open and sharing.  Ultimately hurt thinking that I have a friend and trusted confidant, only to find in the end (and there is always an end) that it never was what it seemed to be.

You look good with me by your side out in the world, hmmm, who is that girl with him?  You smile and let people think what they will knowing that I am just your friend, but why should anyone else know that?  Let them think what they will, even though the status of our relationship is friend.

You say you agree to the terms of our "relationship".  Yet, your actions and words let me know that you want more.  I do not encourage this.  In fact, it puts me off.  I am your friend though, and I do not want to hurt your feelings.  Feelings are important.  Yours and mine.  Your friendship is important.  You say you understand my limits, my boundaries, but you hope in your head and your heart that I will change my mind.

I hate confrontation.  I do not have the words to say to you "enough already ~ Are you my friend?"  In my head you are my friend, but in my heart, watching your pain, taking it as rejection at only being a "friend", watching you distance yourself from me not very friendly or friend like ~ jealous of my other "friends", my doctor, professional acquaintances telling me you want more even though you know it would never work out.  It makes me sad and uncomfortable.  It makes me want to quit being available to the outside world, censor my smiles, go back into the shadows and hide in the darkness, alone ~ as I am quite comfortable doing and being.

I wish you well, I would be happy if you found your hearts desire.  I on the other hand am not that person.  I never promised or encouraged you to feel that way or would feel bad if you found your hearts desire.  I am not looking for more for myself.  I am working on developing interpersonal skills with people.  I am NOT READY for a warm and loving sexual relationship or commitment with anyone beyond than my family.  Not news to you.  We are friends, we have discussed this from the beginning!

I carefully begin my male "relationships" in this way.  Knowing that regardless of how it starts,  men always have the same need to own and control and possess.  They say one thing but hope that in the end it will fall in their favour and they will posses me.  It drives me crazy that men hear what they want to hear and gloss over the rest.

As one who has been betrayed in love and interpersonal relationships my trust is there, but not.  Can one person on the planet please listen to my words and respect my needs?  Not just tell me what they think I want to hear, but really mean it when I go over the limits of my life?  Trust and respect are earned.  Why is it easier for people to lie and say they understand when clearly it isn't true?  Why do I not recognize it until it is too late?

I am working on being a happy person on the planet.  My goal is to not walk through this world alone, to have those around me who understand and agree and who are not just sticking around waiting for me to weaken and change my mind.  It will never happen.  When I am healed enough to offer my heart to someone I will know.  When I find my equal on all levels we will both know!

No comments:

Post a Comment