WHAT TO DO?

I have been wondering a lot lately on how to make the positive changes in my life in order to live and feel alive again instead of this zombie of a person just waking up, reading, writing, playing games and wasting time in general only to have to go to bed get up and do it all over again?!!

The last  changes in my life were not brought about by me directly and I am up a creek without a paddle, so to speak.  My final resolution from New Years is the huge one and that will take some time, as money is a necessity in that area and alas, it is not flowing freely off my money tree.

Feeling stuck in general, in a city I was forced to come back too, trying hard and somewhat succeeding in accepting the good qualities of said city and looking at it in a different light is a minor step in the right direction, yet not enough I am finding deep inside myself.

I thought it would be best to come home, since my boys were here and have some quality time with them.  They have their lives though, and I am someone they may or may not remember exists these days unless I phone them.  Very normal for young men, learning how to live in this world and make a future for themselves.  Priorities.

I wonder how people just pick up and move on?  When I left before, my friend selling her house in the country was ideal with the timing of my settlement and I jumped at it, and before that Dave just gave me an ultimatum that I move to West Stockbridge by December or our relationship would be over.

Now it is me, and my youngest son Tom, who is a "grown up" 20 years young this past February.  I know that he would go live with his older brother and Dad if he had a choice.  He is faithful and has a sense of loyalty to me for some reason though and sticks around knowing that I could not survive without him.  I am thankful for that, but is it what he wants to do?

We joke about leaving this place.  He does not like it either.  He lasted about two months going to high school here in 10th grade and then never left his room, and gradually building up going downstairs, and three apartments and two hospitalizations later he will now go outside and walk with me and go to the store if it is necessary.  To say that it has not been a living hell and not at all what I expected for the most part would be a huge gross understatement.

Not knowing what the correct move to make is bothersome and worrisome.  Knowing that you cannot continue doing and existing and not feeling worthwhile, useful or happy in any degree is really depressing.  I never expected to feel this way in my life ever!!!

As the world changes, the recession gets worse and hope is depleting I wonder how people make the decision to leave and how they figure out where to go, and yet still, how do you know it will be any different any where else?  Part of me knows this is a passing mood, but the rest of me knows it is necessary for my innate survival.  Part of the problem when you know yourself too well as I do.  

It is worse than "What do you want to be when you grow up", it is more like "What are you going to do to escape this hell so you do not die?"  I have no worth, no potential here.  I am no artist, no musician, not into politics.  I have no money or credit to begin a project to make money, and we all know you need some to make some, so I am feeling option less in this world.  A total useless air breather and food eater.  That is not good  for the future on any level whatsoever!

I know that there is a bright side.  Ha Ha, a bright side from having alienated oneself from all family and "pseudo" friends.  I thought I had a few, made a few, but in light of the morning sun I do not see or feel them.  I am still standing alone with myself.  I do not kid myself there.  As I said, I know myself and at the end of the day, I do stand alone, unless of course someone wants something I can do, or I can get.

I am not a player though.  My Dad always used to tell me "Play the game" well to me life is not a game.  It is a course of actions and reactions.  I am not a fake person.  I am not going to suck up to you just because.  Screw that shit.  I would rather be alone than be a kiss ass fake ass person!  I would not be me if I did.

So my big question of the year is what do I do next to make the changes that I want to live?  How does one do that?  It is not running away, more like running to a life which I can feel comfortable and do more than exist in an apartment day to day in a city which I do try to love when I feel myself slipping away into this meaningless hell!