Tuesday, June 4, 2013


I just saw a post from one of my cousins where she was describing waiting in an airport and a woman asked her if she was so and so, she heard her speak at a meeting the other day~ my cousin took this as a sign that she was where she was supposed to be.

I too am working on being where I should be.  I have been blessed with having felt I was where I should be a few times in my life, thankfully, but not so much over the past few years.  I am also a believer that you cannot move forward until you resolve past issues which have been holding you back, which, since my past slapped me in the face a couple years ago, and I misinterpreted the "signs" it was where I was supposed to be in order to do the latter.

Due to circumstances almost a year ago, I was forced to face reality and accept one huge fact that was standing in the way of me and living a truly authentic life because you cannot live a healthy life based on a bunch of lies, living in a reality where what you see and live does not match up with what you believe.  The heart is a funny thing though, and being a believer in LOVE, it took a lot for me to accept one great reality which was holding me back and keeping me from love.

It has been a long 11 months re~examining a relationship that has spanned more than half of my life, looking at it without the rose coloured glasses on, and accepting the facts, only the facts, based on words, deeds and actions and getting a clear understanding of the reality as I now know it to be.

It began last year, when my ex-husband decided to end our relationship for the 100th time in 28 years with a hiatus of 17 years in between where I fled and looked over my shoulder anytime I left my house in fear of him and his hatred which I bring out in him.

My biggest fear when I had to move back to my hometown was that he would be messing with me bad as always, or good either way, I was not into any of it!   He held a very special place in my heart, has a certain power of me in a way, even when we were not together and I always will love him in a way, but I will never again be foolish enough to believe or trust him ever again.

We had no real relationship, looking back, other than a really good sexual one, but he led another life, which was none of my business and I was not allowed to do anymore than work and take care of the house and kids.  We lived together when it suited him, and I would frequently come home to find my key on the counter with no explanations, just a key!

He did not participate in a life with me and the children and he did not contribute.  He is a taker and a user in every sense of the word.  I realize now, that the drama which I so loved to avoid, was what he lives and breaths for.  I hate drama, chaos, confusion and conflict.

I can tell you I lived quite happily without it and without him, but deep down I was under the illusion that we were meant to be together and it was not his fault~ I believed it was the fault of his children's mother, which I was supposed to believe.  With the passing of time I do not believe that anymore.

I would not trade my time and experiences good or bad with this man for anything.  I know that for a minute he did love me that way that love is supposed to be ~ for a minute.  I am thankful that I am living in reality now however.  It has taken a very long time to accept and grieve this relationship.

I thought I would be getting my final closure today, going to court on the violation of the restraining order which I had against him on the day that I was renewing the temporary restraining order, which he violated in the courthouse last July.  They arrested him and he chose a jury trial.

Today was the day, and after two sleepless nights, not knowing what to expect, other than knowing that I would have to be in the same building and room with him my anxiety was high.  It increased, as we live two blocks away from each other, and he was 100 feet in front of me as I went to the store before court.  So I got to walk and try to shake the unexpected preanxiety.  No great feat to be sure!

After speaking with the prosecutor and District Attorney before court this morning I felt less nervous.  What they want is acceptable to me.  I just want to live in peace and no fear and no drama.  The bummer was, there was another, older case on, so we got bumped to NOVEMBER!!!

The only good thing is that if he does or says anything to me he will get in trouble.  If he gets into trouble outside of our case, he will get in trouble.  I pray that he values his freedom more than he values creating drama and fear in my life!

All and all I feel more confident.  I could not focus on the book which I brought to hide in one little bit.  I feel better as I write and drink my tea.  The anxiety is subsiding!  If I can get through this and he can behave, I may have a real chance of actually liking my hometown again ~ realizing that it is not my city I hate, but the memories and people who have caused me deep and immense pain.  Oh the progress we are making!  I just may have a chance to a happy life after all!

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