I am one messed up chick! I say that lovingly about myself and in reference to the fact that happiness ~ happy words, thoughts and deeds make me cry. Not in a negative and depressing way ~ although the happy tears do make me sad.
This is one long on-going thing in my life. I can remember going to the Barnum and Bailey Circus with my Dad's parents and a couple of my cousins when I was in elementary school and the anticipation and excitement made me sick to my stomach ~ so much so that I had to drink Pepto Bismo (which does NOT help for anxiety tummy aches) and almost missed the circus!
Happy endings in movies and on t.v. have the same results. I am not sure why. Are those tears for things that I missed out on and mourn in my own life? Hard to say.
My life has been a trip and experiencing the loss of what I remember of my parents and my brother and I happy in the early days and then just gone and the confusion may have something to do with that to be sure. The confusion that followed and the complete and total change of life until we transitioned into a more stable and ordered life in a house with a good guy (my stepfather).
There we had dinners and family rides, a house and a yard and dog. The freedom of being able to ride our bikes anywhere and not just to the end of the road. The security and stability of someone being home to answer the phone when you needed to come home sick ~ being a part of a family again and being loved again was good.
My life as a teenager was difficult. Teenagers are rebels anyway and I had the added bonus of fighting against someone (my mother) wanting to control my life when she seemed to walk out of my life when my father left.
She didn't - she was working and trying to support two children she was left with. My father was no help. The war and the drugs and his "family" (the people on the "street") don't confuse them with his blood family because we did not matter.
He fought my mother every step of the way as far as supporting his children and family went. It was kind of embarrassing not to have pajama's to sleep in or the basic necessity's of life. I loved my Dad despite his actions. I tried really hard to be where he was when he was going to be there although in hindsight it cost me a great deal more than I ever could have realized when I was rebelling against the main rule ~ "you cannot see your father."
Self esteem has a lot to do with how I react to life. I have been discovering a lot about myself since I began to write on this journey of self discovery. Re~discovering things that I used to love to do that were such a huge part of my life, discovering new interests and not being afraid to express myself without fear of rejection is all a part of it.
One of these days I hope that my wires will get untangled and I will develop the ability to have proper responses to emotional events in my life. To experience the happy times and not worry when the other shoe is going to drop, accept a compliment without getting embarrassed and to see myself as others see me and to love myself 100%!
This is a pretty tall order for myself and as the New Year approaches I am going to write these in permanent marker and try everyday. All of these people who recognize what I do not cannot be wrong ~ I need to untwist the negative self images in my head and get it straight and then I will be a much happier woman!
This is one long on-going thing in my life. I can remember going to the Barnum and Bailey Circus with my Dad's parents and a couple of my cousins when I was in elementary school and the anticipation and excitement made me sick to my stomach ~ so much so that I had to drink Pepto Bismo (which does NOT help for anxiety tummy aches) and almost missed the circus!
Happy endings in movies and on t.v. have the same results. I am not sure why. Are those tears for things that I missed out on and mourn in my own life? Hard to say.
My life has been a trip and experiencing the loss of what I remember of my parents and my brother and I happy in the early days and then just gone and the confusion may have something to do with that to be sure. The confusion that followed and the complete and total change of life until we transitioned into a more stable and ordered life in a house with a good guy (my stepfather).
There we had dinners and family rides, a house and a yard and dog. The freedom of being able to ride our bikes anywhere and not just to the end of the road. The security and stability of someone being home to answer the phone when you needed to come home sick ~ being a part of a family again and being loved again was good.
My life as a teenager was difficult. Teenagers are rebels anyway and I had the added bonus of fighting against someone (my mother) wanting to control my life when she seemed to walk out of my life when my father left.
She didn't - she was working and trying to support two children she was left with. My father was no help. The war and the drugs and his "family" (the people on the "street") don't confuse them with his blood family because we did not matter.
He fought my mother every step of the way as far as supporting his children and family went. It was kind of embarrassing not to have pajama's to sleep in or the basic necessity's of life. I loved my Dad despite his actions. I tried really hard to be where he was when he was going to be there although in hindsight it cost me a great deal more than I ever could have realized when I was rebelling against the main rule ~ "you cannot see your father."
Self esteem has a lot to do with how I react to life. I have been discovering a lot about myself since I began to write on this journey of self discovery. Re~discovering things that I used to love to do that were such a huge part of my life, discovering new interests and not being afraid to express myself without fear of rejection is all a part of it.
One of these days I hope that my wires will get untangled and I will develop the ability to have proper responses to emotional events in my life. To experience the happy times and not worry when the other shoe is going to drop, accept a compliment without getting embarrassed and to see myself as others see me and to love myself 100%!
This is a pretty tall order for myself and as the New Year approaches I am going to write these in permanent marker and try everyday. All of these people who recognize what I do not cannot be wrong ~ I need to untwist the negative self images in my head and get it straight and then I will be a much happier woman!
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