After a day beginning and ending with loss yesterday ~ starting with losing my last $20.00 of the month in the first store I went into yesterday and finishing it off at bedtime by realizing I had lost the gift I had made for the boys on the way home from my friends house last evening I was more than discouraged to say the very least.
I went to bed with a knot in my stomach and lay awake for hours retracing my steps in my head like my Mom taught me, after searching every place possible and impossible including the driveway and into the house unsuccessfully, the new mantras I had read to flip the switch in my brain away from the negative long forgotten ~ I gave tapping a half a thought and gave up.
I was thankful to have Cary Grant and the Bishops Wife to distract me from my problems and take me off into a very un-restful nights sleep. I realized that it is not the money or the present for the boys which was bothering me so much.
My loss goes deeper ~ money can be made, found, or borrowed, the boys don't expect anything from me since the recession began and my son reminded me late last night that all they needed was an awesome meal cooked by the best Mom as he gave me a hug and tried to make me feel better while I tried not to cry and make his holiday even more bothersome.
I woke up tired, sore and sad. Read a few comments and began to read a post from a new follower and fellow reader which made it click for me ~ I couldn't finish reading ~ her story and the connection was more than I could take before tea and in my state of mind.
I have a lifetime of loss which is never more evident than the holidays. My boys are not the only family that are important to me. I have family near and far who for one reason or another ~ mainly the dispute with my mother, and including my mother and father who despite our differences in opinions, actions and overall caring and the fall out from all of that and the effects on family ~ not bringing it together but dividing it even further rolling downhill to my children and their relationships and attitudes towards family as well or more to the point ~ the lack of family love and support.
Lines were drawn in the sand many years ago and me and mine were left on one side while everyone else was on the other ~ as we are all very stubborn ~ teachers teach well and that is what I learned along with some other unsavory lessons. I have feelings however, being a very emotional person, something which seem to be lacking or hiding in some of my kin.
I try to hide the pain and sorrow which I feel everyday. Knowing that even if things were different they would still be the same. Everything has it's price you know ~ you just have to be willing to pay and I am not at times willing ~ the cost is too great.
I spoke with my eldest son and got the scoop on the plans for the day ~ spoke with my granddaughter as she told me that Santa knew everything she wanted and she didn't even write a list!!! I love that childlike surprise and wonder and her laughter made me feel better.
I wrapped her presents still puzzled about what I had lost last night ~ determined to figure out the mystery ~ and too early to call my friend to see if he had gotten my message in case I left the gift at his house. I checked the garbage again and to my amazement found what I was looking for!
Seems that the reason I was walking around with this receipt in my hand instead of the gift was that I had thrown the wrong thing out earlier and the gift went in the garbage. Fortunately I had the foresight to look a little closer and glad it was also wrapped in protective paper and foil!
I know the day is going to be full of fun and love and family and good food. Now that I have acknowledged to myself what is really going on inside of me I hope I can reclaim the peace and level of existence I had prior to this knowledge or at least accept life as it is once again.
I am off to get ready for the day ~ pudding to make for pie, potatoes to peel and ham to glaze and decorate and since I am not having a pajama day for a change I may make it in the shower and into some street clothes today.
I am happier to have something to share with my boys ~ grateful for the friends and family and the friends who are my family as well, the encouragement and love from my readers around the world and the swelling in my heart in a good way as I watch the next generation ( my boys) take charge and make me proud of them.
Merry Christmas (or whichever holiday you celebrate) to all and may you have more blessings to count than sorrows, much peace, love and hope, now and throughout the year!
I went to bed with a knot in my stomach and lay awake for hours retracing my steps in my head like my Mom taught me, after searching every place possible and impossible including the driveway and into the house unsuccessfully, the new mantras I had read to flip the switch in my brain away from the negative long forgotten ~ I gave tapping a half a thought and gave up.
I was thankful to have Cary Grant and the Bishops Wife to distract me from my problems and take me off into a very un-restful nights sleep. I realized that it is not the money or the present for the boys which was bothering me so much.
My loss goes deeper ~ money can be made, found, or borrowed, the boys don't expect anything from me since the recession began and my son reminded me late last night that all they needed was an awesome meal cooked by the best Mom as he gave me a hug and tried to make me feel better while I tried not to cry and make his holiday even more bothersome.
I woke up tired, sore and sad. Read a few comments and began to read a post from a new follower and fellow reader which made it click for me ~ I couldn't finish reading ~ her story and the connection was more than I could take before tea and in my state of mind.
I have a lifetime of loss which is never more evident than the holidays. My boys are not the only family that are important to me. I have family near and far who for one reason or another ~ mainly the dispute with my mother, and including my mother and father who despite our differences in opinions, actions and overall caring and the fall out from all of that and the effects on family ~ not bringing it together but dividing it even further rolling downhill to my children and their relationships and attitudes towards family as well or more to the point ~ the lack of family love and support.
Lines were drawn in the sand many years ago and me and mine were left on one side while everyone else was on the other ~ as we are all very stubborn ~ teachers teach well and that is what I learned along with some other unsavory lessons. I have feelings however, being a very emotional person, something which seem to be lacking or hiding in some of my kin.
I try to hide the pain and sorrow which I feel everyday. Knowing that even if things were different they would still be the same. Everything has it's price you know ~ you just have to be willing to pay and I am not at times willing ~ the cost is too great.
I spoke with my eldest son and got the scoop on the plans for the day ~ spoke with my granddaughter as she told me that Santa knew everything she wanted and she didn't even write a list!!! I love that childlike surprise and wonder and her laughter made me feel better.
I wrapped her presents still puzzled about what I had lost last night ~ determined to figure out the mystery ~ and too early to call my friend to see if he had gotten my message in case I left the gift at his house. I checked the garbage again and to my amazement found what I was looking for!
Seems that the reason I was walking around with this receipt in my hand instead of the gift was that I had thrown the wrong thing out earlier and the gift went in the garbage. Fortunately I had the foresight to look a little closer and glad it was also wrapped in protective paper and foil!
I know the day is going to be full of fun and love and family and good food. Now that I have acknowledged to myself what is really going on inside of me I hope I can reclaim the peace and level of existence I had prior to this knowledge or at least accept life as it is once again.
I am off to get ready for the day ~ pudding to make for pie, potatoes to peel and ham to glaze and decorate and since I am not having a pajama day for a change I may make it in the shower and into some street clothes today.
I am happier to have something to share with my boys ~ grateful for the friends and family and the friends who are my family as well, the encouragement and love from my readers around the world and the swelling in my heart in a good way as I watch the next generation ( my boys) take charge and make me proud of them.
Merry Christmas (or whichever holiday you celebrate) to all and may you have more blessings to count than sorrows, much peace, love and hope, now and throughout the year!
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