The stress and anxiety is killing me as I prepare for tomorrows funeral. I have been dealing with the physical symptoms of stress, which just got worse and worse yesterday. Today, I did manage to get dressed and leave my house to do some errands which took my mind off of things.
I am going to be a pall bearer for my Great Aunt Rose Mary. That is the easy part. I have spoken to my cousin who seems to be doing okay, been in contact with a couple of my Uncle's as well. I also set up transportation in the morning so I don't have to fast walk to the funeral parlor which will help. I have a vague idea of which of my black outfits I am going to wear as well. I am however, playing it by ear as to whether I go to the after brunch. It depends on how uncomfortable my mother makes me and everyone else in the family.
It is weird, I never dream anymore and last night I had one of the weirdest dreams in the history of my life. I am not sure what exactly triggered it. Triggers are funny like that. When I awoke and gravity would not allow me to lift my body out of the bed, I went back to sleep. It was a miracle I even surfaced at all today!
A lot of memories, both good and bad crept into my head over the past 36 hours. It was worse than looking at photos of my life a few months ago, which brought forth so many negative and unsettling memories from my life and made me have to stop looking at the photos of my babies when they were little and as they grew up.
Overall, I cannot wait to see my family. I spoke to my Aunt's son for more than an hour today. We spent a lot of time at my Great Grandparents cottage on the lake while we were growing up. I was always very comfortable there at the summer cottage. It was a place I would even drive to just for fun when no one was there to just sit on the dock or on the lawn and look at the lake and just feel better all the way around.
After my Grandfather acquired it, that changed and we were both less comfortable being there, although I think for the two of us it was our safe place in a way. As I prepare for the day tomorrow, I wish that I still had that luxury, but I have not been to the cottage in longer than it has been since I stopped talking to my Mother. Without a car, it is a little difficult to get there. Times like these I would like nothing better to get in a car and drive to no where, just to clear my head like the good old days. Ah, the things we miss in life!
I do miss my mother quite a bit, and wish that she wasn't as hard and closed off to me. Before my son's wedding I did try to talk to her, but she does know how to hold a grudge. I am sure in her head she can justify it. It is un-nerving to walk into the supermarket where my Mom works and have her see me and look right through me.
I should be used to being outcast and the outsider. I have been my entire life in both of my families, mothers and fathers alike. People like me who don't belong anywhere and who never really have belonged anywhere (except to my children, who kind of have to love me just because I am their Mom) develop a mask that doesn't show the pain of their hearts breaking into a million pieces.
Hence, trying to develop my social skills and trying to find a bit of self confidence and see what good qualities that other people who are not related to me see clearly enough. All I see is me working on not turning into a cold hearted person without feelings, because I do have feelings and the greatest one being love.
So I prepare for the show. Alone, walking into the lions den. Trying not to be the meal of the day. Trying not to show the pain that I feel. Putting on a brave face, the mask which I have not had to put on for a while. I will be brave. I will not show the rest of the world how scared and nervous I am. I will smile, make small talk and avoid at all costs breaking into a million pieces in public. When I get home, it may be a whole other story.