Sunday, March 17, 2013


Over the past couple of months, since my son got sick and I was home alone, sad and worried and having him home and recuperating making adjustments to our lives and our routines I have notice that my life has been affected in many ways.  Weekly appointments for him, doctors, hospitals, pharmacies -my new routine with regular my doctors, finding a balance - a new normal - has taken more time in some regards and less time than I expected.

I got knocked off course there for a minute or two but today I really had a banner day and feel so satisfied at all that I have accomplished.  You see, I have been stuck in neutral and have been really just going through the daily "new" routine on a kind of auto-pilot.  Doing a lot of things but not getting much done, having time, but no motivation, having thoughts but not having much to say.

I have been isolating myself from even my most casual, yet pleasurable interactions with people on the Internet mostly, but not intentionally, timing and sadly, with feeling a bit like I was drowning in an inch of water, yet unable to lift myself up and last but not least. feeling like I have been censoring myself - like I was making a mistake or doing something wrong and I think it came out with my writing.  I don't know how many days I have opened up a page and left it blank.  Unable to.

I had a burst, like I said today of getting things done, in between some awesome visits with some unexpected people throughout the day and getting five out of seven rooms clean and uncluttered, laundry, and organization.  I even felt so creative I took the remains of some beautiful flowers I got just before Valentines Day and turned them into some creative decorations with the help of some waxed paper and an iron.  I even raised my score in WII tennis, pulling out a total shut out in the best of three (a huge victory for me lately!)  I get to crawl into clean sheets and blankets after I am done writing this.

For me I can never seem to move forward if I am not current.  For example, I hate to cook in my kitchen if it is not clean, so for me I start with cleaning dishes and work area before I begin to cook.  I also can't seem to  start a new task if the rest of the house is not in order.  That is how it began today.  I walked in this morning after a outing and looked at my dining room, which is now a dump station since we never eat in there, and it is the final room I have to situate.

I just began to organize and put things away and where they belonged, if they belonged.  I need to be able to look at the room and decide how I want to have it once and for all now that I have my new curtains.  Room by room I hit them all, every nook and cranny!

Today's burst of spring cleaning and motivation, and I may add change in perception or outlook is just the thing that I need to get the rest of my place in order, finish up the last two rooms, with the minor packing up of some things may just give me the motivation I have been needing.

If you are familiar with moving and packing, and if you are anything like me you have a box or two at the end that you just throw everything left into.  I have about five of those and they are not little boxes.  I have been moving them around and stacking them up since we moved here in May.  I have moved 5 times since 2008.  I have been putting this off forever and a day.  Perhaps I am moving closer to the day being near.

I really do much better with less chaos and more order, even though I work well under pressure and at the last minute.  In my personal life though I need order.  I don't mind if it is random, but things have to be in order.  It helps me to be able to roll with whatever life throws my way and be more open, receptive, positive and motivated, because that is after all the total goal!

On that note, I will say goodbye, goodnight and think warm and happy thoughts!  It is nice to feel like I am back, uncensored and making progress.  Let us hope it continues and I get another major task off of the list!

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