Saturday, March 9, 2013


I woke up this morning quite unexpectedly before the sun came up...way  before the sun came up.  There was no loud noise, no nightmare, just me awake, with a feeling that I still have not shaken.  I am not certain what this feeling is that has got a grip on me today.  It is a new one full of doubt and uncertainty.

Maybe it is the cold I have been trying to ignore for the past couple of days, maybe it is the ever increasing fear at not knowing enough, doing enough or trying enough, or more realistically, not knowing what is the right thing to do or try or learn.

The sun is shining and the birds would be singing if it was not so cold outside in the early morning light.  I wait and wonder what to try next.  Perplexed.  Thankful that it is going to be a warm day in the 40's yeah!  I plan my day, what I can do, what I should do and what I will do are three very different things.

I sit here typing in my utter confusion, knowing only that I do not want to stand still and do nothing.  That is how I got so far into this quagmire of uncertainty.  Wondering what I am doing and why I am doing it.  Questioning my self, my values, my morals, my judgments.

Wondering to myself, how many people out there going through major life changes are feeling like I feel.  In this day and age, wondering which direction to go, what to do, what to learn or re learn.  How to not feel the redundancy of each day.

I am an immediate gratification person.  I like to see results right away.  I like the hands on, begin a project and have something to show hands on.  That is why I like to cook, I think.  It is something that you start and finish, the result is on the stove to the plate.    X amount of time = finished product.  The gratification is in a happy, full tummy.

This blog, same thing.  I write words, I post them.  Immediately and continually I can see by page views how many people are reading, what countries  - (the coolest part), the comments, love the comments, the interactions where I post, the personal interactions and feedback.  Tracking daily, weekly and monthly.  Very interesting to me.  Surprising.

The purpose is still unclear.  I do not sell anything.  I do not promote anything.  I began as a creative project because I was intrigued by a project someone introduced to me which was very cool and interesting.  My blog is nothing like the one I got interested by.

Of course I had heard of blogging vaguely many years ago.  I was like, wow, that sounds pretty stupid back then.  I am not entirely sure now that I am sharing my journey of self exploration what it is all about for others.  I do enjoy it and hope that people do get something from my experiences and perhaps some guidance or insight.

In looking at the ins and outs, the advertising, the language which is all foreign to me.  I have no idea what a SEO is or some of the other terms I come across, which makes me feel old and unintelligent - like I need anymore reminders, it also makes me question the purpose and direction.   I have a lot of learning to do - which in itself is a direction!

1 comment:

  1. Keep on learning, keep on blogging I think you would be surprised to realize just how many people are holding hands with you on the journey and going oh thank god I am not the only one!-) Loves you Jennifer and thank you so much for sharing your life with me! So there you go you know you made a difference in one person's life and I'm telling you now girl friend in a lot more peoples lives then you know...loves you have fun by..oh and i'm linking this to my page on coping with stress because you are dealing with an amazing stressful situation with dignity and charm and I know your story will help others.