Friday, March 8, 2013


I am a single girl in the world by choice.  It is the way that I live my life.  It doesn't mean I don't go out or have fun, because I do.  My world is busy at times and not so busy at other times.  The reason that I am single is because I realize that when I am in an exclusive relationship with a man  I no longer am myself, I adapt to another persons ideals and expectations, and  my identity gets lost.

A man is the reason I lost my voice all of those long years ago, robbing me of my ability to express myself in even the simplest of ways.  I for one never want to lose my voice again.  It is a huge part of who I am and how I am.  It was also a factor in relationships which came after, and not being able to be anything other than a participant with a minor role, if that makes any sense.

In 2000, I began making changes in my life.  I began to realize what was happening and why.  I looked closely and deeply into myself, my relationships with men, women, family and my self.  I did not like what I saw.  I did not like how I felt inside.  I realized the effect that other people's control had on me, because I bent and shifted and became what people expected me to be and not my own person.

Nice people do get the shaft, but it is because they allow manipulating people and people who think they have the control to well, control them.  I worked on my anger issues - anger at myself mostly, for not accepting what I knew to be the truth of the matter and allowing it to happen over and over again.

I am not saying that I believe all men and relationships are that way.  I am certain that they are not.  However, in my case, I am still learning to recognize the (warning) signs and until I become aware and better able to recognize and not fall prey myself then I will be a single girl in the world.  Not every smile or greeting, or conversation is an invitation to hop into bed!

I am very open and honest about this fact.  It seems not to make a difference in theory to some men.  They must think that I will falter or change my mind.  They say they understand and just want to hang out with me and be my friend.  Some of them even talk to me about the struggle they have in this regard and I accept their feelings with compassionate understanding.  While other friends choose to not even be my friend at all because of their feelings.   Ultimately, I have no control over how a person feels and discount no ones feelings - like the phrase there are no stupid questions, I remain honest and true to myself for my survival.

I personally do not know how to respond to this dilemma.  It is not my feelings which are at stake here.  My feelings are clearly laid out.  That makes me seem to myself very cold and insensitive, which I am not.  It is a double edged sword.

I have lived over 90% of my life worrying and living it for others.  I am working towards being a whole and complete woman with much to offer the world even if it is just my small world.  I am and have been mostly satisfied with my life, the good, the bad, and the in between.  Each challenge is an opportunity for victory in place of living in complete failure.  The victory being living my life by my choices and not under the power of someone else.

The ultimate goal is to go to my final resting place happy and content with the choices I have made along the way.  If that is alone, it is alone, if it is as a whole woman healed and happy in a relationship with another whole and happy man that would be a bonus for sure, but if it is not in the cards I can live with it knowing that if not in this life - perhaps the next!

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