I have noticed a shift in myself since my "adventures with family" last week. Facing my truth and reality, and hearing the perceptions of others that think they "know" but they don't know my reality, my experiences and my reasons brought things closer to the front of my brain after I stuffed them away. I did not focus on my loss of family inclusion, as I never have been included anyway. Falling short of their expectations and living my life without them, sad that they could not share in the happiest time of my entire life, my house, my children's lives - their loss - not mine.
Having had the strength to be myself and not that person worried about what other people think, do or say to me or about me, I think I rose above the situation. It certainly has opened up a couple of things for me for the better. For one thing, after many years of not dreaming, I have begun to dream pretty regularly over the past five days, my creative side has opened up, and I have accomplished many goals.
Dreams for me over the course of my life have been very clear, colourful, vivid and my dream state was very active. Over the past few years, not so much. Noticing the lack of dreams while not on medication, did concern me for a fleeting second, and fleeting is the key word here, as I have bigger problems to occupy my brain. It is nice to have them back, even if I do not remember them too clearly, just being aware that I am dreaming again is nice.
I took away the "dump station" status in my dining room, my final downstairs room to get in order. I had set a goal for Saturday to have that finished, planning a nice ham dinner for my son and myself and my best friend +Mike Pezzo to repay some of his kindness for helping me out when I needed it, as we both help each other out, it was more a gesture, but I told him we would have a dining room meal, as we could not put a whole ham dinner on the small table in the kitchen. In our tradition of "pre-holiday" meals, I guess you could call it an early Easter dinner.
I had awakened kind of late on Saturday, so shoveled out the dining room, and did a fair job of it in a short time. An unexpected call from my old neighbor in West Pittsfield asking if she could come over for tea while she was in the neighborhood (a delightful surprise) made me look around my apartment and in amazement realized how in order everything really was - not just the dining room but all of the "public" rooms. I was awed to see just how together I had gotten things!
I was pleased that she was pleased to note that I was using the hutch in the house (she had given it to me and thought it was going on the porch where we had put in when her husband dropped it off), but it is too fine to stay on the porch and I needed to do some arranging to fit it in before I could just bring it in the house. It reminds me everyday of her and her family and the countless good memories we share together, even if they were from years gone by. It is nice to be making new memories with her as an adult.
She came over after reading my blog to see my Pieta and my "blue" statues. We sat in my living room, which is my favorite room in this apartment. My living room is a mini art gallery of my life which my friend Laurie says I am "nesting" in...she may be right. I love the room and love to see peoples reaction to it. Sometimes I wonder if it is too busy, but it is just a total three dimensional collage of me and my life and my interests and likes, my books, my music, my nick knacks, my life fills the room!
Time passed really quickly Saturday, and it was almost four o'clock before I threw the ham in the oven, took a shower and removed the leaf from the dining room table and set the table. Plenty of time, as dinner was not until 6:00 and I was pleased to have the apple crisp ready to go in the oven when the ham came out. We feasted - after all the chicken and pasta this month it was nice to have a real meal complete with dessert! No one left the table hungry and we had dessert twice!
I have also been working on a blanket which I am crocheting for myself. I began it so many years ago I cannot even remember if it has been five or ten years. I go in spurts, having to be settled in my day to day before tackling extra things like this. I may even finish it one of these days soon!
Yesterday, I walked into my dining room and made a couple of more improvements and am almost satisfied. Having to work on a lighting issue before I will be totally satisfied, and frame somethings up for a "new" creative endeavor, a collage of sorts marking all of the events and measures of personal growth I have advanced in over the past two years.
I really like my creative side coming through! While waiting for the nice weather, working on my flowers, and finally separating my baby orchid which grew off my main orchid (hoping both survive). Which I have been afraid to do, knowing that neither will thrive or flower until I did so. Fingers crossed!
I don't know what the reasons are for the shift in my brain, but I for one am pleased beyond words to be in this place right now!