I came home, had some lunch, wrote two drafts, still there. After seeking professional help I am back. My anxiety has subsided, my head is clear. I have taken on someone else's anxiety like it was my own. My issue is boundaries.
In my previous life, the one where I just flew by the seat of my pants, my life was full of drama (not always mine), where I just lived and reacted or did not react depending on the situation at hand. The life where I cared more about what other peoples opinions were and lived to please everyone else except my self, right or wrong instead of making the right choices for me, the one in which I lost my voice, my soul, my very identity. Where I lived in the shadows, became lost - devoid of emotions. I really had no boundaries in place. That is why so many odd and freakish things happened in my life.
In this life - since I am choosing to be important to myself at the very least, not selfishly, but necessarily in order to live my life on my own terms with happiness being at the center of that equation, with fear, guilt and manipulation not even being allowed to live and grow and be done to me or by me - keeping these things very far from me to the extent of losing main relationships for my health and well being as they were destructive to me.
I am not there yet, not by a long shot, but I persevere. I have come head on and accepted the painful reality of many things including the relationship with my ex husband, and also that with my own father, accepting the cruelest reality of them all that when Dad told me when my brother and I were younger "he chose not to have a relationship with us because it was too painful" and that he had a conversation with my grandmother about it and I chose not to accept it then, never believing that my own father could be so selfish and hurtful. It was true and I am a "bad daughter" for forcing myself on him, and what did it get me? I chose to violate his boundary because it did not fit into what I wanted. I learned the hard way and now I am dealing with it. Now he got his way - I do not - nor will I ever understand how a parent can make that choice, but I have to accept it because that is reality.
As I have stated before, my "new life" is based on open and honest acceptance of myself. Allowing myself to be myself, love myself, accept myself, faults and strengths (although I do not recognize my own strengths and assets). I am bluntly open and honest, and I do still have a negative voice trying to run in my head, and without letting the negative self talk control me, I have been dedicated over the previous 13 years in doing these things for myself, trying to integrate my self into one whole unit I can actually be pleased to say is my authentic self.
One thing I recognized for me personally is that I lose myself in personal relationships with men. I chose to - for my own recovery, learn to live a life that did not involve personal committed relationships with men while I am working on my growth. Not to say I did not test the waters on that one now and again each time with the same result. Never a positive result to say the very least. It was easier to learn how to dance in a club without being drunk and still have a good time, than it is for me to be in a committed relationship with a man, and that is saying a lot!
Over the past two or three years, it has been my goal to be more social. I like to volunteer, I love to talk to strangers and people I pass by on the street in the small city I live in. I love making friends and talking with people on the computer on social network sites and I am currently writing this blog, where as before I could not even begin my story in a hardbound notebook which no one would ever see. That is progress as far as I am concerned.
I try very hard to be clear about what to expect or not to expect from me. I am generous, fun, intelligent, funny, dark, moody, spontaneous, and complicated. I am also very honest. I am a homebody, I love my family, love spending most of my time at home, but I also love music and dancing and people. I try to look people in the eye when I am talking to them - be more aware of those around me and what they are going through, smile and be present, in the now and not invisible.
My anxiety today, as I stated earlier was brought on by an anxiety issue due to someone pushing against my clearly stated boundary line. I owned it for a day, unknowingly accepting responsibility for something that I could not have been any more clear about than I was since the first conversation that we had. My anxiety that I can own, is in the fear that I will lose a dear and much needed and important friend because they cannot respect my boundary which is as necessary to me as water is to a fish!