Tuesday, September 15, 2015


It is late Monday evening and I have made the executive decision to have a tea and write a bit before retiring.  I should just skip all of it altogether since I have to bring my Dad to P.T. tomorrow.  It has been forever it seems, since he has gone.

This afternoon seemed to be quite busy all at once.  I woke up on the later side of the morning which for me is anything after 8 - today it was more like 9:45.  I do hate sleeping late since it makes the daylight hours shorter.

Today I had my normal Monday afternoon appointment, and it seems like all of the sudden it was time to rush out the door. Since it was threatening rain and I had a million things to do after my appointment I had to drive instead of walk.

I thought I was going to be late for my appointment when in reality if I hadn't missed the driveway and had to go all of the way around the block I would have been early enough to check out the magazines, which I don't like to do anywhere else and sometimes even arrive early to have time to check them out.

The hour went semi quickly - since I am working through a major flaw in my character and trying to learn how to modify my behavior. We all know you can't change what you are not aware of, this one is one I am hugely aware of and it is a flaw that benefits others but hinders me and it has been with me a long time.

I think once I get this flaw under control I will have more control in my life and much less anxiety in the long run.  Modifying one's behavior on any level is difficult, but it is not impossible.  Facing fears, being mindful, being aware - sometimes easy, sometime hard, but always a huge investment if you give a fig about yourself.

I have been working on unlearning behavior for a while, removing negativity and living a positive and loving life.  Figuring out the whys is the tricky part and sometimes I wonder why we have to answer why in order to recognize a pattern to break it.

Sometimes I wish the whys were just not in the equation.  If I knew why certain things trigger certain responses and behaviour then life would be good right?  Well, if I look at the "whys" then that could open more cans of beans than I am willing to eat - if you know what I mean.  Somethings are better left in the dark recesses of one's mind, in my humble opinion.

Regardless, I made it in and out and traveled far and will be pondering a few things and working on the next step in one of my levels of progression in my healthy living.  This is the one that is going to kill me for sure, not really, but I do not look forward to the next step at all.

One of the reasons I have undertaken this huge project in my house is to avoid facing a situation I must address.  For me it is easier to create complete chaos than it is to move forward.  that I do recognize and all by myself as well.

I have been waiting for the Earth to open up and swallow me instead of facing this challenge.  I don't understand it and I do understand it both at the same time, but that doesn't prevent me from growing a set so to speak and doing it, I am paralyzed where I stand!  It has, I have noticed blocked my creativity and I am beginning to be concerned.

So after my appointment I got back into the car and drove myself home after a pit stop on North Street where I spotted Tom's Dad.  I parked the car and walked over to where he was sitting with Old Man Chuck in front of the Church.

I got his newest phone number.  I was apparently calling two wrong numbers the other day so it isn't any wonder I didn't reach him.  It was too cold to talk for too long since I was in shorts and it was freezing out this afternoon.

I headed home to find my checkbook to pay the rent before the month got any further away from me. I got my food money as well so I had to grab the grocery bags and change into long pants.  Well, my biggest fear happened, I misplaced my checkbook, possibly in one of the many piles which have now surfaced in the recent creation of chaos.

It wasn't in the drawer where I had last put it.  I check the second place and looked at the clock - it was almost 4 and the bank and the property managers could   be closing at 4:00 so I had to hurry to the bank instead of wasting my time.

The bank was opened until 5:00 which was sweet.  The property manager was around the corner and they were open still as well.  I headed onward to one market and did a quick run through and headed to the second store and picked up some more supplies.

The cupboards were pretty bare to say the least and the past week has been a challenge to get through.  I did manage to end up with ample sauce and the beef hot dogs I bought. Although we don't really eat hot dogs normally they were a good investment and again I worried for nothing, not trusting in myself.  Thomas now has a good midnight snack for the rest of the week as well.

I made a really awesome side dish with some steamed potatoes, onion and green beans which was out of this world!  Nothing like fresh veggies   I also splurged on a nice sirloin steak which was cooked to perfection as well and a two meal investment so we will be enjoying the second half of that treat tomorrow.

So I made no real progress in clearing up the chaos.  When I came down this morning I noted that I like the dining room table covered in Unicorns and Carousels.  It is very pretty and made me smile. as I passed through.  If only I didn't need to use the dining room table occasionally!

I am thinking a thought that I will implement when I get some time tomorrow afternoon which may leave me down to only figuring out where to put the Art and the dust collectors.    I do have a deadline so that the job will be done, I also am at the control of other people so I may have a couple of late nights before Ains comes.

I did trip over my checkbook unexpectedly before dinner - somehow it was behind the table of the drawer where it should have been.  At least I had the general area!  Next month I will know exactly where it is.

In the process of looking for it I did manage to find both Tom and my birth certificates which we need for an "official" document, also with a deadline.  You gotta love deadlines!  Now I have four, no five deadlines which are imperative to my survival within the same time period!  When it rains it pours!

Just what I need however, since I have been feeling like I have had too much free time over the past week.  Tom is pulling on my sleeve and I have to get up and be on time in the morning for my Dad.  I don't need to find him on the side of the road walking to his appointment.

I am sure he has a couple of hours worth of errands.  As much as I am going to miss having a car, I cannot wait until I do not have to drive him around.  October, in some ways, cannot get here soon enough.

What is life if not one change after another to deal with?  I lift my glass to change and all that it brings, expected and unexpected!

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