It is Friday night. I have been going through a tremendous amount of change during the recent past, as I know many people who are enduring chaos and confusion in there lives as well I do not feel alone. I have been falling into a bit of a weary depression which has been harder to divert than usual. In trying not to resort to old habits and feeding it, I am trying to rearrange my outlook on the situation.
I have been lucky that I have not been having to endure my troubles alone and that I have many people to lean on and support me. I find that the hardest thing to accept, as it is new to me. To me it is odd also that people are so caring of me.
Today it has been extremely tricky, but I would like to share the aha moment which hit me within the last 20 minutes. To get you to the moment will take a minute, but here goes.
I came back from the hospital after visiting my son. I came home after having a day where I was unproductive and losing backgammon and just blah and unmotivated. So much so that I just gave up and went back to bed. (It was 1:00 in the afternoon!)
I phoned my Dad to check on him, having phoned him last night for the first time in a week, when I phoned him at 5:30 in the morning, after not seeing him since Christmas, not even going to get food on my regular Friday routine, because someone was being a dick and I admit to owing 25% of 100% of bad behavior. Mine was justified. His, not so much.
Regardless - he has made a royal mess of his life and is not in good shape, so I of course have to stop being a dick and gather information and reassure him that he is not a horrible person, amidst my own troubles, which as always take a back seat, always the caregiver.
He had listened to me from the night before when we prioritized what he needed to do and that was good. We got a to do list for Monday - get him back on track a good thing. Being a parent to my parent is not new.
So my relaxation was not relaxing, my head was pounding after the hour and 20 minute conversation, listening to everything I heard last night and more, always more. Sadly, and gladly got off the phone, feeling much worse, amazed that there is such a feeling as worse than worse.
As I tried to shake it, hide from it, totally avoid it, I found myself unable to. So I decided to try again and went to make a tea, by now, it is 4:45 in the afternoon, the day is dragging and I was losing. Waiting for 7:00 at night makes the day endless.
So I jumped in the shower with a bar of "Morning Sucks" soap - laughing at the irony of that - hoping that it would work even though it was almost 5:00 in the evening. The inside of the box says -"gently rub this soap on your crabby ass." So I did. And amazingly, it worked a little.
Getting closer to 7:00. Time moving slowly... 6:08 my son calls from the hospital, him, I know is not doing well, I know how I feel, but have to keep it to myself, assure him we will all be there in less than an hour and couldn't wait to see him, him looking forward to seeing the family. We hang up. I continue to feel not good. Drink the tea, wait for my ride.
So we visit, it is good. But then it is over and I have to come home. I keep the radio on for noise. I have to cover up the emptiness and it helps a little. I am not hungry but I need to focus and so I cook. I cook well usually. Ha! Another resounding sign of failure with food that I pity really. The chicken breast and onion that I pretended to cook deserved better than it got and I am glad that I wasn't hungry and that I was just cooking ritualistically.
Another thing, when I have no one around, besides the quiet, I can go days without needing or wanting to eat. It is really weird, but caffeine and nicotine are amazing substitutes for actual food. (My attempt at a joke)!
So, I just finish killing this poor food and I can't just cook it and not try it anyway - regardless, it would be sacrilegious or something, My phone rings, I answer and my good friend +Mike Pezzo says he is going to leave some chicken wings at my backdoor. I laugh, at the timing, and the fact he was going to drop and run, so I was like, you are not coming in? Really?
He came in. The wings were good. I made him tea. He even pretended that my chicken pieces and onion were good, (he dipped them in blue cheese). He does know me well. He knew he could not entice me out to join him on his musical adventure, even before he tried again, although I did agree to go and have fun out in the world tomorrow in the real world with people and music and everything.
We both bitched about what we needed to complain about and chatted away as we ate wing and listened to the music from the other room. He took a sip of tea, and this was the turning point of my thinking on two levels...I made him tea, and as he took a sip, and I saw the look on his face, I realized two things, first how distracted I am and bothered by it, mainly by ruining food, and secondly, by not putting a tea bag in his tea, so he was drinking warm water!!!
We both started to crack up with laughter!! During those minutes of laughter I realized that I needed to change how I was looking at things and just laugh. Laughter really does have healing properties. Having good friends who worry about how you are feeling and knowing when a friend is needed and how to be a friend is truly priceless. Mike is the definition of priceless - regularly.
Even though it is not normal for me to open up when I am wanting to crawl under a rock and hide under my blankets, it is the new normal which I do believe is making the difference. Realizing that being alone is not the same that it used to be - that I am not alone and I don't always have to stand alone. It is not a weakness. It is a comfort.
So on that note, feeling so much better, and able to write. I plan on going to sleep and wake up in my "new" old frame of mind! The universe seems to be in my favour again! Godsmack is blasting out "I Fking Hate YOU!" as I finish typing this, my favourite song from my favourite band and now I have used that word three times in two sentences! I feel the opposite of this song, but I still love it!!!
Goodnight and pleasant dreams to you all! I do hope that this came through on paper as I intended it to, and that it makes sense!