|Love outside my door!|
photo by +Jennifer Gallant
My brain is numb today. I knew when I could not move to get out of bed this morning that it was going to be a different kind of day. Slow, groggy and weighted down are all understatements! I feel like I have done a triathlon or something!
I know it is shock, stress and worry catching up with me. I am grateful for the people who have stood by me and with me helping me to deal with the multiple crisis' that have been going on around me. Mom's get worn out too!
Why I am even attempting to write confuses me. I think because it is a normal activity for me, which I enjoy doing. Trying to keep my focus. Therapy. I have absolutely no plan or idea just words on paper, fingers on keys, click, click, click...the comfort of a normal activity!
Radio cranked, tea in the microwave, sun is shining, but it is cold - outside in the world and inside my body and my soul. I think I am colder today than the weather! That is part of the numbness I am sure. If I was a drinker I would be wanting/needing to get drunk, but that is a crutch and a luxury I cannot afford other than to celebrate and I have absolutely no reason to celebrate.
Reality has made a nice little nest in my cozy little home. The real world has invaded and I did not invite it in, nor can I escort it out the door with a resounding SLAM - don't let the door hit you in the ass as you exit. Now I remember why I keep my world small, calm and peaceful.
Last night I was thinking about how important routines are for me. There is comfort and control in that. My routine normality has left the building for a while. I have been doing my best to distract myself and smile and not be to affected by the things which I have no control over.
Being strong has always been easy for me, even when my life is being bombarded with too much chaos from the outside world. In the past I would isolate and internalize and keep things just to myself and inside, with random outbursts of expression. As I am trying to keep positive and remain CALM and change the negative responses I am having a battle with myself.
I have no advice or cute story or any love or light to share today. All I have is words on a page. I am just trying to maintain and carry on. Thanks for bearing with me. I am sure that this to will pass. There will be a new "Normal" and things will be okay. These are things which I do know for sure. I am not alone and WE will all make it through to the other side stronger from this experience!
Thank you my friends, those whom I know and those I only chat with and have met through my new writing experience for your love and support! Just knowing I am not alone makes a huge difference!