Finally!!! Life is returning to something like normal! I am so happy to be feeling more myself again! I am so thankful to have the great support of some amazing people which is a really good feeling.
I have made concessions. I was the bigger person with my Dad, I changed views on a couple of things, I slipped into darkness for a few days, let it reside in my heart and soul, then I kicked it to the curb and said "No more!" Sadness is still in the air, but not so thick and clingy! Hope and faith are amazing things!
I remember when I lost my mind a few years ago when my neighbors were stealing from me - invading the sanctuary that was my home and I truly lost faith in man and god and was so sucked into the negative that I could barely do more than cry through out the days for months and months, unable to do much more than that. Not even getting dressed or combing my hair or leaving my house! Those were long and strange days.
Feeling so violated and not knowing what to do, it was the only time in my life that I have ever given up! I got over it, eventually. It was Karma, and the what goes around comes around philosophy which helped get me out of that cycle, and my amazing counselor Lydia, who had the faith in me which I did not have at the time, and my children and what they would do without me were the only thing on the planet which kept me on the planet. I made a commitment a long time ago to be a parent and all that goes with it, the good, the bad, and the ugly! Sometimes you have to look at the big picture and how your choices would affect others.
It took many years for me to regain my faith in human beings. I am not sure that I have restored it fully, but I am working on it! Trust is another matter. I think I am like my dog, Simba was in that respect. He tolerated, but did not trust. He did not seek out people other than his family whom he loved. It took a lot for him to trust even me, but I know he loved me! I still regret the choice of letting him go, and I hope that where ever he may be he forgives me and still loves me as well! I miss him everyday! What I would not give to have him lick my hand and ask for pets! I wouldn't even mind an aggressive bark and a little bite right about now!
You don't kick a dog when he is down and sometimes just being there is enough, other times it is not. Life is a journey with its ups and downs and twists and turns! Choices we make, some on our own - and some we have no choice in making!
My choices include living life as fully and happily as I can! Always making due with what I have. Being thankful and grateful what I do have! No regrets, no would have, should have, could have! I have always been true to my self, not always loving myself, but also learning to do so everyday!
I look forward to looking forward! I am strong! I am positive! I wear a necklace which was given to me by a new friend, who made it, and I never take it off. On the front it says "LOVE" on a ceramic disc in a pretty light blue color, on the back, it says "I am love in manifest" and it is signed Elena.
I live for love, not the intimate love between a man and a woman, although that would be ideal with the right man, but love of life, love of making others smile, love of the sky, the earth and everything upon it! I know it sounds like rubbish, but it truly is so much better to focus on love in the here and now with a full heart and a big smile!
Don't get me wrong, I am still not trusting, I have my eyes wide open. I am more alert and aware than ever. If anyone knows the meaning of danger and fear it is I. Most of it stems from trusting the wrong people and re-trusting them after they have betrayed, failed me, or used me. I do live in reality and the world is not a safe place, the balance is still not there, but I hope one day it will be there for everyone equally!
I live for spreading love, if only in a greeting or a smile, a kind word or a kind deed. My heart brimming with love and happiness is a feeling that I do not want to ever be far from me again! The struggles I have been withstanding over the longest year which has truly been this one (less than a month into it!) All temporary, and the love from others and Laughter have helped me so much! I am blessed and I for one will not forget it ever again!
I am grateful to have had this rough patch. It has shown me who my true friends are. It has showed me my love and strength. It has taught me a lesson. What is life if not a series of lessons to learn and grow from?