Actions speak louder than words. While mean words do hurt, they do not hurt as much when the actions prior to the words don't support the words. If you say to me in words "I am your friend" and your actions and words out my my earshot do not support that statement the words are empty, hollow and meaningless. If I say to you "I am your friend" and I do support that with positive actions and true feelings am I your friend?
There are two kinds of friends I think, those who are your friends forever, and those people who are your friends when it suits them. Some friends you see everyday and some you see randomly and love and appreciate just the chance to say hello and get a hug and carry with you through out the day the genuine warm feeling of love and friendship whether it has been 10 weeks or 10 years!
I know who my true friends are. Friends who expect nothing of me, who want nothing of me and who genuinely appreciate me for me. They make me feel good and are supportive and I am supportive of them and we have a mutual and general respect and appreciation of one another.
Some people collect friends like piles of leftover newspapers, they stack them up and say "Look, I have a lot of friends" they sit in a pile in the corner and are called upon when needed, more of a status than a friend. Discarded and in a pile collecting dust unless there is something interesting or useful to pull out of the pile.
I have been blessed to have many friends in my life. People who know me and who listen to me and whom I know and listen to. My friends do not keep a list of what I have done for them and what they have done for me. Friends don't do that. Those are politicians. Saving up the favors, doing favors and then throwing them in your face for later reference.
Friends do not wait until you have a family crisis or ordeal to dump their stuff on you and not listen and make it all about them and get mad because you don't have the time to coddle their egos and pump them up, and don't come into public places to tear you down when their is an audience and tell you to be quiet, which you are because your words are not important to that person, nor are your feelings or you basically!
I have said before I am a snob, I have high morals, values and standards, and I don't lie, yet I am down to earth and flexible and free - too free with my love and trust. I learn the hard way, I trust until the actions do not match the words and then I re-evaluate the situation.
It hurts when you realize that you put your trust into another person only to have them manipulate and twist things around to put them in a good light. Letting go of someone whom I genuinely liked and trusted is not easy for me, going the opposite way and overlooking somewhat seemingly minor/major things instead of accepting reality and truth and continuing to hold a "friend" dear - refusing to accept the reality.
That, I know is my biggest fault in the history of my life! I think that is why I keep my world small. It is easier not to get fooled by people with malicious intent. One of my goals over the past 7 years has been to expand my world, which I have done by networking and volunteering. Just getting out in the world and interacting is a huge step for me, which I have been doing with more comfort and ease over the past two years.
I still suck at judging people - so totally suck at it! I am easily fooled. I learn the hard way. I hate to be judged so I don't make good assessments of peoples characters, and I am always surprised and hurt beyond words when I learn that someone I considered a friend never should have held that title.
I am in such a place right now and I have been since the end of the summer. Unable to overlook the actions of a "friend" - being swayed with tears and half truths, yet still not trusting and going out of my way to "fall for" the manipulation. Listening to them tell you how bad a person you know is, yet themselves talking and acting like you are their long lost friend when you see them.
In speaking with wiser women, who have better social skills than I do, taking the advice to step back and limit my interactions with said "friend" and all the time fearing the catty and two faced malignment of my reputation at the outcome, which had been and will continue to happen. Sticks and stones, my friend, and oh, by the way, I am an adult and not in elementary school, how about you?
Such is life as I say! I am still me and true to myself and my actual friends and strangers whom I meet along the way. I will just be more careful in the future about those I trust and trust my self in my assessments of those I choose to spend my valuable time with!
I will still say hello to the random people I meet in the world. I will still be genuine and real and open. I will not let the actions and poor behavior of others change the person whom I am and whom you may be a little jealous of as I am not a pretender. Just ask the people on the street who don't know me but who still stop me as I walk by and who brighten my day by naming me "the hippie girl" and whose days I brighten as well although we are strangers and who miss me when they don't see me for a few days.