Wednesday, November 27, 2013


I am trying to remain calm, happy and carefree in this moment.  I am fighting a wave of anxiety and overwhelming emotion overload.  I watch the weather ~ hear the rain falling.  I gather the garbage and empty the fridge trying to shift my brain in another direction.

I am not sure if I am going to win this battle today.  I feel more like crawling back into bed and saying screw it and pull a Thomas and not wake up for 12 hours ~ hell ~ I wanna go for the record and make it a couple of days at least the way I am feeling right now.

The shitty part is that I was feeling fine last night ~ very excited and happy about my holiday meal and the family day.  Now ~ not so much.  I guess I crossed a line somewhere during the night and morning ~ somewhere between dark and light.

The balance is a fine line on days like this.  Feeling like I am a nuisance when I ask for a small bit of help ~ 20 minutes of time maybe 30 ~ selfish I know.  I am such a taker and user ~ always expecting everyone to do things for me ~ (NEVER) but made to feel that way when I bend over backwards and make sure everyone around me is good and helping where I can expecting nothing in return but never prepared when I ask those around me for a bit of help when I have no choice.

Another piece of my heart broken off the original organ beating in my chest ~ I felt it crack and separate and fade away.  I don't know how much is left of my poor heart!  It is discourage and painful and the reason why I don't ask/expect.

Kicking myself because it was warmer and dry yesterday and today it is wet and cold and rainy and I wish I could be like everyone else and say forget about it ~ it is what it is, make the best of it, forget about it, smile through it.

Oh well, it is what it is.  Screw it!  


  1. WOW - You are so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break, you are only human, and have every right to feel as you do. TAKER and USER!! Come on lady, look in the mirror, you are God's gift to the world - treat yourself better. You are loved and respected by many. Now, try loving yourself. We all do.

  2. Tis the season. I'm sure gloomy skies don't help. Bless you my friend. I hope you have a wonderful holiday despite it all.