I am trying to remain calm, happy and carefree in this moment. I am fighting a wave of anxiety and overwhelming emotion overload. I watch the weather ~ hear the rain falling. I gather the garbage and empty the fridge trying to shift my brain in another direction.
I am not sure if I am going to win this battle today. I feel more like crawling back into bed and saying screw it and pull a Thomas and not wake up for 12 hours ~ hell ~ I wanna go for the record and make it a couple of days at least the way I am feeling right now.
The shitty part is that I was feeling fine last night ~ very excited and happy about my holiday meal and the family day. Now ~ not so much. I guess I crossed a line somewhere during the night and morning ~ somewhere between dark and light.
The balance is a fine line on days like this. Feeling like I am a nuisance when I ask for a small bit of help ~ 20 minutes of time maybe 30 ~ selfish I know. I am such a taker and user ~ always expecting everyone to do things for me ~ (NEVER) but made to feel that way when I bend over backwards and make sure everyone around me is good and helping where I can expecting nothing in return but never prepared when I ask those around me for a bit of help when I have no choice.
Another piece of my heart broken off the original organ beating in my chest ~ I felt it crack and separate and fade away. I don't know how much is left of my poor heart! It is discourage and painful and the reason why I don't ask/expect.
Kicking myself because it was warmer and dry yesterday and today it is wet and cold and rainy and I wish I could be like everyone else and say forget about it ~ it is what it is, make the best of it, forget about it, smile through it.
Oh well, it is what it is. Screw it!
I am not sure if I am going to win this battle today. I feel more like crawling back into bed and saying screw it and pull a Thomas and not wake up for 12 hours ~ hell ~ I wanna go for the record and make it a couple of days at least the way I am feeling right now.
The shitty part is that I was feeling fine last night ~ very excited and happy about my holiday meal and the family day. Now ~ not so much. I guess I crossed a line somewhere during the night and morning ~ somewhere between dark and light.
The balance is a fine line on days like this. Feeling like I am a nuisance when I ask for a small bit of help ~ 20 minutes of time maybe 30 ~ selfish I know. I am such a taker and user ~ always expecting everyone to do things for me ~ (NEVER) but made to feel that way when I bend over backwards and make sure everyone around me is good and helping where I can expecting nothing in return but never prepared when I ask those around me for a bit of help when I have no choice.
Another piece of my heart broken off the original organ beating in my chest ~ I felt it crack and separate and fade away. I don't know how much is left of my poor heart! It is discourage and painful and the reason why I don't ask/expect.
Kicking myself because it was warmer and dry yesterday and today it is wet and cold and rainy and I wish I could be like everyone else and say forget about it ~ it is what it is, make the best of it, forget about it, smile through it.
Oh well, it is what it is. Screw it!
WOW - You are so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break, you are only human, and have every right to feel as you do. TAKER and USER!! Come on lady, look in the mirror, you are God's gift to the world - treat yourself better. You are loved and respected by many. Now, try loving yourself. We all do.
ReplyDeleteTis the season. I'm sure gloomy skies don't help. Bless you my friend. I hope you have a wonderful holiday despite it all.
ReplyDelete