Sunday, August 30, 2015


August - what a month!  A month of great changes, with my Dad going back to his house to remember how to live on his own and learn his limits.  I was concerned about the Golf Tournament he was certain he could do, which turned out to be a positive thing for him and he made it through with flying colors despite being the last one to finish the course!

I am glad that he did participate. He was worrying me as he sat in my living room aging and acting like a feeble old man.  "Acting" - the keyword here since he has been home he has been getting into straightening his home and removing some clutter and focusing on his life instead of doing for all of his friends and letting his own obligations fall to the wayside

It must be a trait I have inherited from him as I look around my house and my life and assess and look back at the "To-do"list which got shoved in the dark recesses almost like a page lost behind a dresser.

Between the surgery last year and recovering and not having time as I lived another persons life in my home last winter into the spring, once again my life being consumed by  another and sliding into a place which felt like home, but not in the long run.  We all know how that turned out - not very good at all!

I don't know why when people get in relationships that it is either all of one and none of the other.  Finding the balance is the key I guess.  I obviously never found the balance with Richard and ultimately was living in a huge fantasy world.  Not even realizing just how much so until he walked out, unable to change and mold me into the woman he wanted me to be, which was so far removed from the woman I am and who he swore he would love until the end of time.

Eager to jump into that role for the millionth time over the course of my life, I do not find myself.  I do however realize that I am still have a very deep longing to find my mate who I am sure is out there in order to live out the final years of my life not alone, but in harmony enhancing and being enhanced  in a healthy and long lasting mutual growing relationship, as opposed to one person thriving and another dying on the vine.

I took the plunge and agreed to date.  Making a  conscious decision to take that step was not easy for me.  It is seriously outside of my comfort zone.  I find it to be less scary than I had expected.   It fills me with confusion however, as I find it difficult to know what I should be looking out for as far as whistles and bells go.

People are complex, we are all a mass of experiences, expectations, fears and worries.  Even though I live my life and reveal too much, I do have much I keep hidden from myself as well as the outside world, part of those defense mechanisms which have saved my life so many times.

I guess I worry too much, but I am not eager to trust in love and find that it has all been a big charade.  Being 40 something and not having the experience in dating is a huge challenge.  I don't know what the rules are, what the game is, how to play it.  I have never been a big game player.  I hope that old dogs can learn new tricks.  I am sure that we can!

I have been so busy that it leaves me with little time to share myself with the opposite sex.  That is a good thing.  Learning how to take it slow, get to know someone and let them get to know you is a challenge.

One of my son's friends was dating a girl, they got pregnant, she had the baby, he did all of the correct things only to find that she is not what/who he thought.  She turned out to be a pretty evil woman who has caused him nothing but problems and he recently found out the baby isn't even his, yet the problems this woman he loved continue to interfere with his life as he tries to move on into a new and loving relationship.

I for one married a man many moons ago, left town after finally obtaining a divorce, which took longer to get than the marriage, looked over my shoulder for 17 long years only to come back home, be approached by the same man, thinking it was fate and love only to find out it was more of the same crap which I fled town from all of those years before!

Love is such a crap shoot!  It is a wonder there are any happily ever after stories out there!  I miss the days when life was simpler.  (Not my life,. but you know, other peoples lives), people knew who you were and what you were about and you knew who they were and what they were all about, you courted, fell in love and got married, worked together on those bumpy times instead of fleeing at the first sign of work.

I don't know why love, family and relationships are so disposable these days.  I must have been born in the wrong time!  Oh how I long for the simplicity and security that my grandparents and their grandparents seemed to have!  The days when love, honour and commitment were more than words you say, when they were actually treasured!

Ah well.  Here is hoping that my bells and whistles and red flags are in working order as I progress though this strange land I am now finding myself a part of.

No comments:

Post a Comment