Monday, August 10, 2015


It has been a week of great highs and lows in balance and check, as it should be, as it should be.  I sit here waiting for a cup of tea to calm my frayed nerves.  Wondering if anything at all really matters and just what does matter any way?

The Art Walk Women's Show and the College Club Show both went off without a hitch.  Everyone seemed very pleased with the layout and the work and there was a good flow of people.  I went out and about checking out the other venues and met (formally) a couple of new ones here and there who I put into my memory banks to keep my eye on.

The joy I feel at seeing so many people happy and excited about Art really gives me quite a boost.  For all of the hours, organization, planning, meetings, time on the phone, worry, doubt and fear I must say despite only being an art appreciator.

I try to hold on to that on days like today.  Today when I found out early, after a very sleepless night the fate of my poor teeth, which can be saved if I had the right insurance, but being a poor, disabled single woman that is not in my future.

The prospects that lie before me are too difficult for me to even think about and face, let alone make a decision on.  One of my worst nightmares come to the light of day.  It doesn't surprise me.  The balance - too much good and bamm, a shit storm falls down upon me.

I can honestly say I haven't felt this low since I completely lost faith in humankind, god, life and anything good at all.  It isn't just the issue of the teeth or taking care of and supporting my Dad for these past three months, or the numbness in my left side since my surgery, or the awareness of just how low and self-serving most people are, the state of the world, the state of everything unjust and corrupt on the planet, but that is enough.

I am so tired.  I wonder how I am going to survive, but I know I will.  I have no choice.  It is who I am despite what mountain gets put in front of me.  Like Saturday, on River Clean Up - we had three Canoes full of heavy garbage, metal, bottles, tires, shopping carts - you name it - we probably had it in one of the tree canoes.

All of the sudden, there are trees down across the river - the options were carry the canoes over land around the obstacles, bring them back upstream and unload them up that hill or my suggestion - undo the logjam and sail through it -solving two problems - one not having to go over land, and two, not having an obstruction to collect garbage on!

With a bunch of teamwork we cleared the way and sailed through.  Teamwork is ideal.  What do you do if you don't have a team though?  I can tell  you - you get bogged down and overburdened and burnt out and unable to solve your problem effectively.

I am not sure what the Universe is doing throwing curve balls at me.  It is my own fault, I think it is a warning signal.  It is like a giant bomb just blew up in front of me over the span of 24 hours (or have they been going off right along and I just haven't noticed?).  Now I just have to figure out what situation needs the most attention so I can regain clarity and figure out how to make the right choice in all instances.

I have spent a majority of the day in a foul dark place, and truth be told, I am barely in the doorway of light versus darkness.  The tunnel is long and I pray that I can find the light through the darkness.  It seems by chance or fate that I am having to face some pretty heavy realities of my own.  I do not particularly care for this place at all.

I have been walking today in order to avoid the temptation of running far and fast away, yet again.  After the dentist I took a right, headed through Lenox and Stockbridge, Richmond and into Pittsfield in record time, sailing around mountain corners at a speed that would pale most people, When I got home I decided I would not be driving anymore this day.

Reverting to my teenage self with the fight or flight reflex always ready to flee, unless the fight is to stand up for someone else who is being treated less than properly.  Where would I go?  At this point I don't care, anywhere I don't see the faces of the fools who fooled me, away from everything familiar, someplace else.

And why do people think it is okay to treat people less than human anyway?  I wonder all the time as I listen to people who do it, and see it happening, more and more every day?  Where has all the love and decency and respect gone?  Not that it is entirely gone,  I do meet more and more people that wonder the same as I.

As I sit and think these thoughts and feel these feelings and type these words I don't wonder - I know why I enjoyed the solitude of my youth alone and in the woods.  I am thankful that I have my boys and my grandchildren to keep me grounded here on the planet despite despising so much about it today and wishing I were elsewhere -  a hermit once more, alone and invisible.

I am strong and tomorrow will be a fresh day with a clear mind and a different outlook.  Of that I am sure - just as sure that the sun will rise and the moon will wait for it to go down and come out and play along with all of the stars.  I will smile and I will shine and everything will be just fine.

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