Since my major meltdown a couple of weeks ago until today I have been experiencing a transition in myself. I think I really needed to crash and burn in order to realize just how much it affected me not only when Richard left, but dealing with his hot cold, love hate emotional disturbance and his final truth a couple of months after that.
Since he has mental health issues I do not know if any of our relationship was "REAL". If his final words to me are true it was just one big CON and I was the MARK. He was a master MANIPULATOR right up until the very last conversation back in July, orchestrating my removal AND placement into the role of volunteer curator/gallery manager at the Whitney Center for the Arts.
The months between May to now were one big clusterfuck of activity in order to avoid FEELING any EMOTIONS surrounding that relationship. Add to the mix my Dad hurting himself and calling on me to help after only just rekindling our relationship I was not short of responsibility and duty.
I knew I was on hyper-overdrive and I needed to be. If I stopped moving and doing I would think about the REALITY of the situation and at that time it was difficult to accept the multiple realities I was existing in.
I became a one man wrecking ball of ambition, activity and no task was too large or too time consuming. All filled me with great pleasure and I had some wonderful and unique experiences and learned a lot about many things.
One thing that became apparent to me was that I needed to ground myself before I put myself in the ground. I voluntarily and involuntarily submerged myself into a pace of activities which was extreme and somewhat dangerous for my well being.
I love curating art shows as you probably well know by now since my involvement in January when Richard accepted the title and we had so much fun together planning and hanging shows. It really opened up a new world for me, an extension of Art Walk and gave me a chance to see just what the whole scene was all about.
Art has always been a passion for me since I was 8 years old and I found the Pieta under the stairs at Joe's house and painstakingly cleaned the long forgotten sculpture and transformed it into a clean and well cared for piece of art which still adorns my shelf today as one of my most precious possessions.
My first piece of charcoal out of the wood stove and drawing followed and after that I was always walking around drawing and skipping classes in High School to do so. I was kind of a loner when I was growing up so it was not uncommon for me to be sitting at the Rivers edge on my floating rock on the river sketching the landscape and doing abstract drawings for the F@*K of it.
In other words, Art has always been a great comfort to me, so it it no surprise that during one of the darkest periods in my life it consumed my very heart and soul in such a grand and marvelous way! I do not know what I would do without being involved in some way with Art. It is a lot of fun grouping artists, getting a excited yes when asked if they would like to participate in this show or that.
Seeing new faces enter the Whit month after month and speaking with the Art Patrons who graced the Gallery talking art and layout and getting positive feedback on my Shows was very much the stuff that dreams (mine anyway) are made of!
I took off my Art hat for a couple of weeks to work on myself. Regaining my balance so to speak, writing and looking inside of myself at just where I was situated in my life, what was good, what was overkill, what needed to go and what I need more of to be a healthy well rounded woman.
Since I am a giver it is natural for me to give, and give I do. I do not have money, I have myself and my abilities which over the years I have quite an extensive bag of tricks up my sleeve, some out in the open but many hidden deep inside me.
I had been neglecting my writing so I began to write more and I think, more quality things, especially the fiction writing and poems. Thanks to Glipho I had many opportunities to write as I had fallen so very far behind in the writing challenges and had slacked off on my LiveJournal as well. With the end of Glipho I am at a loss but I am confident it will not stop me from continuing.
I stuck to my guns with my Dad after watching him get comfortable in my home so much so I was grateful to keep the one month transition from the hospital to his house just that for his sake as well as mine.
I watched my young 68 year old Dad fall into a comfortable and sedentary life in my living room slowly morphing himself into another person dependent on me. One thing I do know is that I have been waiting a very long time to have my own life, one without dependents which got stalled when my youngest son got sick when he was in his senior year of High School some 4 years ago stopping my much anticipated independence dead in its tracks!
As my job as parent, I accepted that. As a daughter I cannot accept the role of "Parent" to someone who has been taking care of themselves albeit good or bad or responsible or irresponsible, desiring me to "fix" the problems and make them go away, but unwilling to do the work themselves and who seemed to self sabotage their recovery and all of my hard work as "fixer."
In other words enough was enough and I was calling BULLSHIT on all areas which required that call. If you know me you know I hate conflict. I can live with something that is broken as it is easier to accept and express my feelings since for some stupid reason I don't feel worthy of valuing my SELF.
I don't see what other people see and it surprises me and embarrasses me to a large degree to have people express to me the good and positive things that I do. I know my faults and weaknesses and those are what shine brightly in my mind and in my eyes.
As August comes to an end and I am settling in with only the vision of positive self care and growth and learning to value myself (not overvalue) just value. I reach yet another cross roads. You see, I have been working on those weak areas for more than 15 years identifying and removing all the negative characteristics of myself and removing those influences from my life, call me selfish and you might me right but as selfish as I am I am 1000 time more generous and giving.
So I am in the process of being generous and loving to myself, whatever that might mean. I don't see it clearly yet. I know my normal of the past year of my life is about to transition into a new and different meaning on this journey.
I am not afraid of the unknown, like an explorer of days gone by I welcome all new and uncut paths. I am eager to cut through the thick underbrush to discover what is on the other side. Only then will I achieve my ultimate unnamed goal .
In the name of love and balance I am excited and curious to see where this new mindset and path takes me. I know that there will be prickers and thorns, cliffs and quicksand, but there will also be beauty and peace and love!
So in the name of love I proclaim I am adjusting the rules in this game. I hope some things remain and stay the same, but I welcome the change!
Since he has mental health issues I do not know if any of our relationship was "REAL". If his final words to me are true it was just one big CON and I was the MARK. He was a master MANIPULATOR right up until the very last conversation back in July, orchestrating my removal AND placement into the role of volunteer curator/gallery manager at the Whitney Center for the Arts.
The months between May to now were one big clusterfuck of activity in order to avoid FEELING any EMOTIONS surrounding that relationship. Add to the mix my Dad hurting himself and calling on me to help after only just rekindling our relationship I was not short of responsibility and duty.
I knew I was on hyper-overdrive and I needed to be. If I stopped moving and doing I would think about the REALITY of the situation and at that time it was difficult to accept the multiple realities I was existing in.
I became a one man wrecking ball of ambition, activity and no task was too large or too time consuming. All filled me with great pleasure and I had some wonderful and unique experiences and learned a lot about many things.
One thing that became apparent to me was that I needed to ground myself before I put myself in the ground. I voluntarily and involuntarily submerged myself into a pace of activities which was extreme and somewhat dangerous for my well being.
I love curating art shows as you probably well know by now since my involvement in January when Richard accepted the title and we had so much fun together planning and hanging shows. It really opened up a new world for me, an extension of Art Walk and gave me a chance to see just what the whole scene was all about.
Art has always been a passion for me since I was 8 years old and I found the Pieta under the stairs at Joe's house and painstakingly cleaned the long forgotten sculpture and transformed it into a clean and well cared for piece of art which still adorns my shelf today as one of my most precious possessions.
My first piece of charcoal out of the wood stove and drawing followed and after that I was always walking around drawing and skipping classes in High School to do so. I was kind of a loner when I was growing up so it was not uncommon for me to be sitting at the Rivers edge on my floating rock on the river sketching the landscape and doing abstract drawings for the F@*K of it.
In other words, Art has always been a great comfort to me, so it it no surprise that during one of the darkest periods in my life it consumed my very heart and soul in such a grand and marvelous way! I do not know what I would do without being involved in some way with Art. It is a lot of fun grouping artists, getting a excited yes when asked if they would like to participate in this show or that.
Seeing new faces enter the Whit month after month and speaking with the Art Patrons who graced the Gallery talking art and layout and getting positive feedback on my Shows was very much the stuff that dreams (mine anyway) are made of!
I took off my Art hat for a couple of weeks to work on myself. Regaining my balance so to speak, writing and looking inside of myself at just where I was situated in my life, what was good, what was overkill, what needed to go and what I need more of to be a healthy well rounded woman.
Since I am a giver it is natural for me to give, and give I do. I do not have money, I have myself and my abilities which over the years I have quite an extensive bag of tricks up my sleeve, some out in the open but many hidden deep inside me.
I had been neglecting my writing so I began to write more and I think, more quality things, especially the fiction writing and poems. Thanks to Glipho I had many opportunities to write as I had fallen so very far behind in the writing challenges and had slacked off on my LiveJournal as well. With the end of Glipho I am at a loss but I am confident it will not stop me from continuing.
I stuck to my guns with my Dad after watching him get comfortable in my home so much so I was grateful to keep the one month transition from the hospital to his house just that for his sake as well as mine.
I watched my young 68 year old Dad fall into a comfortable and sedentary life in my living room slowly morphing himself into another person dependent on me. One thing I do know is that I have been waiting a very long time to have my own life, one without dependents which got stalled when my youngest son got sick when he was in his senior year of High School some 4 years ago stopping my much anticipated independence dead in its tracks!
As my job as parent, I accepted that. As a daughter I cannot accept the role of "Parent" to someone who has been taking care of themselves albeit good or bad or responsible or irresponsible, desiring me to "fix" the problems and make them go away, but unwilling to do the work themselves and who seemed to self sabotage their recovery and all of my hard work as "fixer."
In other words enough was enough and I was calling BULLSHIT on all areas which required that call. If you know me you know I hate conflict. I can live with something that is broken as it is easier to accept and express my feelings since for some stupid reason I don't feel worthy of valuing my SELF.
I don't see what other people see and it surprises me and embarrasses me to a large degree to have people express to me the good and positive things that I do. I know my faults and weaknesses and those are what shine brightly in my mind and in my eyes.
As August comes to an end and I am settling in with only the vision of positive self care and growth and learning to value myself (not overvalue) just value. I reach yet another cross roads. You see, I have been working on those weak areas for more than 15 years identifying and removing all the negative characteristics of myself and removing those influences from my life, call me selfish and you might me right but as selfish as I am I am 1000 time more generous and giving.
So I am in the process of being generous and loving to myself, whatever that might mean. I don't see it clearly yet. I know my normal of the past year of my life is about to transition into a new and different meaning on this journey.
I am not afraid of the unknown, like an explorer of days gone by I welcome all new and uncut paths. I am eager to cut through the thick underbrush to discover what is on the other side. Only then will I achieve my ultimate unnamed goal .
In the name of love and balance I am excited and curious to see where this new mindset and path takes me. I know that there will be prickers and thorns, cliffs and quicksand, but there will also be beauty and peace and love!
So in the name of love I proclaim I am adjusting the rules in this game. I hope some things remain and stay the same, but I welcome the change!
I know that I am repeating myself, but you are so blessed with talent. What I would give to be able to express my thoughts and feelings the way you do. Look forward to each and every post and can't get enough of them. You are one slick chick.
ReplyDeleteHere's wishing you luck on your voyage of discovery.
ReplyDelete